


Shattered

by bakedgoldfish



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e18 17 People
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-22
Updated: 2003-08-22
Packaged: 2019-05-15 05:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14784566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedgoldfish/pseuds/bakedgoldfish
Summary: That's what it was like. In that office, with those men.





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Shattered**

**by:** Baked Goldfish

**Character(s):** Leo  
**Category(s):** Post-ep  
**Rating:** MATURE, for language and maybe content  
**Disclaimer:** No copyright infringement intended. No money being made. "The West Wing" belongs to NBC, Warner Bros., Aaron Sorkin, John Wells, Thomas Schlamme, and a whole rack of other people who I don't know. Don't sue me, please, I beg of you.  
**Summary:** That's what it was like. In that office, with those men.  
**Spoiler:** 17 People  
**Author's Note:** It's rather dark. 

It's like a permanent chill that settles in your bones. The kind that makes your fingers go numb, even when you're inside a warm building with sweaters and blankets and cocoa and- 

The kind that makes your fingers go numb. It's in your bones. And you can't get rid of it, no matter how hard you try. 

That's what it was like. Jed staring at Toby, Toby staring at Jed, me staring at the both of them. I wanted to shake. I wanted to shiver. I wanted to tremble, because it will give me something to do besides standing here feeling cold. But instead, I stand around, looking like I don't know what Toby's talking about. I know what he's talking about, I do. He's so right, it chills me. To the bone marrow, it chills me. 

I started feeling cold last year, when Jenny left. 

I got colder just before the state of the union address. 

I started shivering at the Newseum. 

By the leadership breakfast, my teeth were chattering. 

Hypothermia's set in now, because I'm so cold I can't even shiver. 

I don't think I'll ever be warm again. 

It's like I'm standing outside, naked, and rain's hitting me like cold bullets. And I can't do anything, not even tremble. I just want to fall in the dirt, let it swallow me whole, be done with it. Seep into the ground like the cold seeps into my belly. And then I'll scream, and someone will hear me, and maybe they'll get me warm. Doubtful. 

Let me crawl into the dark, away from this. The sun's shining bright, and I'm cold. The dark would be warm, and silent, and maybe I can finally fuck it all and rest. 

It's a heavy chill, the kind that settles. The kind that makes your feet drag. It hurts you, burns you, it's so cold. And you can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it. It sticks to you, lays down beside you, caresses you at night like some parasitic lover. It forces itself inside you, insinuates itself into every little private place. Violation. Not death, though. It would never kill you, because where would be the fun in that? It sustains you, even if you stop eating, stop sleeping. It's what makes you stop eating and stop sleeping. It's what makes you curl into a tight ball on your bed, shelled by the sheets, holding your pillow in a vice-grip. You stare into the darkness, eyes wide, red, scratching like sand is under your eyelids. 

It's that weary ache in your chest, in the small of your back, in your toes. That's what it was like. In that office, with those men. Two angry men, staring each other down for two completely different reasons, and me. Me, standing off to the side, unsure of who I would throw my weight behind. I hated them both for tearing me apart. I wanted to scream at Toby. I wanted to scream, he's being destroyed from the inside out you bastard, he's disintegrating bit by goddamned bit right here and right now and there's not a fucking thing you or I or anybody can do about it. Fuck politics, he's breaking apart. I wanted to scream at Jed. I wanted to scream, you idiot he's right and you know it, stop pushing him away because right now he's the only one who can help you. I wanted to shred every fiber of their beings apart with my voice, with my rage. I wanted to... I wanted... 

I didn't. I'm cold. I can't. I couldn't. I stood there, getting colder and colder and colder to the point where I knew nothing but just how damned cold it was and still is. They didn't see. They were embroiled in their own two battles. They were hot, and burning, and I wanted to chill them. Because I was cold. I am cold. We haven't even told the rest of them that his nervous system is slowly tearing him apart in that office. Things will get colder. After we tell the others, we have to tell the world. We have to tell the world that we've got a walking time-bomb as our president, as our candidate, as our, as our as our I don't know what and I'm just getting colder and colder and colder and I'm going to turn to ice. I'm going to turn to ice, and I won't be able to feel it anymore. I won't feel cold because I will BE the cold, burning to the touch, brittle and skittering. And then something will happen. Something that won't chill me, but will chill everyone else. It will batter us as a whole, push us up against a wall with a knife to our throat and a hand on our belt. So I'll put on my political hat, and I'll get polling numbers and a nosecount in Congress, and I'll get people doing things. I'll snap at them, and growl at them, and work them until there is no longer a problem. And every time we get screwed, for the next two to six years, I'll keep fighting back. Keep up the appearance of a political hard-ass. 

Then, when it's all done, I'll take off my political hat. I will put on my personal hat. 

And then I will shatter. 

-end- 


End file.
